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Company Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All
Employees
DATE: October 04,
20XX
RE: Holiday
Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay
men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure
to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All
F****** Employees
DATE: October 05,
20XX
RE: The
F****** Holiday
Party
Vegetarian pricks I've
had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f******
salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings,
too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die,
The Bitch from
HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06,
20XX
RE: Patty
Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all
of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward
your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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