Q:
I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is
only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Should I cut
down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A:
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Should I
reduce my alcohol intake?
A:
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of
grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
How can I
calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
What are some
of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think
of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Aren't fried
foods bad for you?
A:
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Will sit-ups
help prevent me from getting a little
soft around
the middle?
A:
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Is chocolate
bad for me?
A:
Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Is swimming
good for your figure?
A:
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Is getting
in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:
Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope
this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food
and diets.
"Life should NOT
be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in
an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What
a Ride"
